Hong Kong tickled my senses with its disparate nature and breadth of things to do/ see. I went island hopping, gondola riding, museum touring, and mountain biking. All this was caped by a thought-provoking lecture on the H1N1 virus.
I was impressed by the tall buildings and the streams of well-dressed capitalists but deeply bothered by the Filipino plight and the grittiness of Kowloon. I discussed all this with Laura over several wonderful rounds of dim sum and Tai cuisine. Having lived in Hong Kong for almost a year, Laura was more insightful then I.
We arrived at the conclusion that most Filipinos are women who are used by their families as export labourers. They go to Hong Kong and elsewhere on two year work visas hoping to save money but the money they send back are often used up by their families instead. Hence, there is a cycle of working and trying to save. One Filipino women told me that she has little prospects of rising in the Hong Kong society because she will always be a second-class citizen; Having worked at a hostel for 3 years, she has watched it grow and blossom. Yet, when the owner looked for a new manager, she was not considered. Instead they hired a 9-5 Chinese guy and she works 5-9 for half the pay. I suppose such disparities are everywhere...
On another note, whilst Hong Kong main islanders prosper, people on the Kowloon side seem to look on with envy. I noticed a great discrepancy between the two sides on my museum tour. People in Kowloon gawked and stared while those in Hong Kong hurried to their respectable businesses. It was shocking how chaotic Kowloon felt and how metropolitan Hong Kong was.
Overall though, I left with a favorable impression of Hong Kong. Never have I see and place with better public access and health awareness. It seems that the arms of Chinese censorship hardly touches this area and prosperity is the name of the game.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Macau
Macau was beautiful...a sharp blend of European architecture and Asian history. I met a photographer from the Philippines there and together, we took a walking tour of the island. I ended up in Taipa where I got to see Cirque du Soleil. I almost cried...not because the show was so good but because I realized just how much I've missed the performing arts...please don't let me live without it again.
Macau itself, however, is being eaten up by the gambling/tourist industries. Most of the citizens I met agree that though salaries have increased, their standard of living has decreased. In fact, the gambling industry isn't doing so well (work on several to-be casinos have been suspended till a future date). In addition, with the current swine flu scare, even the tourist industry is suffering. I do have to commend this small island though on its preventative measures; most people were wearing face masks, hand sanitizers are everything, and even holy water has been drained (instead, there is a notice telling citizens that no holy water will be used until the global health crisis subsides).
It will be very interesting to see what happens to this SAR region...will the old be somehow preserved as part of the new or will the nation be swallowed by capitalism?
Macau itself, however, is being eaten up by the gambling/tourist industries. Most of the citizens I met agree that though salaries have increased, their standard of living has decreased. In fact, the gambling industry isn't doing so well (work on several to-be casinos have been suspended till a future date). In addition, with the current swine flu scare, even the tourist industry is suffering. I do have to commend this small island though on its preventative measures; most people were wearing face masks, hand sanitizers are everything, and even holy water has been drained (instead, there is a notice telling citizens that no holy water will be used until the global health crisis subsides).
It will be very interesting to see what happens to this SAR region...will the old be somehow preserved as part of the new or will the nation be swallowed by capitalism?
Monday, May 4, 2009
An Old Woman
The last few days have been a whirlwind of events. I flew to Shenzhen, rode a bus into Hong Kong, flew to Taiwan the next morning, and now I'm back in Hong Kong (and set to go to Macau tomorrow).
In Taiwan, on our first day, we met an old woman who held her grandson with one arm while pointing us to our destination . She'd later symbolize Taiwan for me; gentle, independent, fiercely protective, and steeped with history.
Initially, I was impressed by the conscientious nature of the citizens; people who follow marked lines when waiting for the subway, passengers who gently reprimand each other for chewing gum on the train...it's as if I entered a more gentle form of China (one my fear-ridden, distrusting self found somewhat hard to accept). Yet, it was a welcomed relief.
For once, I was sure my questions would be answered politely. In fact, people in Taipei went out of their way to help me. Case in point: on my way to Danshui, a middle-aged woman suddenly stopped me to fix my dress (apparently the bow on my bodice was lob-sided).
As for the island itself, I think diverse is the best adjective I have to describe it. In four days time, I saw beaches, oceans, mountains, cities, and much more. Amongst my favorite are the hot springs in Beitou with Bonny (at which I got a nasty sunburn), the mountians of Yangmingshan National Park (where I got way too close to a geyser), fisherman's wharf at Danshui, fireflies in Eastern Taiwan, and random escapades with Laura (from which I got a 4GB memory card for $20).
However, like all places, Taiwan does have it's flaws: the biggest being the incessant stares we got. I'm going to assume in the future that I got a lot of stares because I'm just that beautiful but I think they've never seen a girl with pink shorts and sunburned shoulders to match.
Overall though the good far outweighed the bad and I feel that Taiwan is truly a romantic place for the future.
In Taiwan, on our first day, we met an old woman who held her grandson with one arm while pointing us to our destination . She'd later symbolize Taiwan for me; gentle, independent, fiercely protective, and steeped with history.
Initially, I was impressed by the conscientious nature of the citizens; people who follow marked lines when waiting for the subway, passengers who gently reprimand each other for chewing gum on the train...it's as if I entered a more gentle form of China (one my fear-ridden, distrusting self found somewhat hard to accept). Yet, it was a welcomed relief.
For once, I was sure my questions would be answered politely. In fact, people in Taipei went out of their way to help me. Case in point: on my way to Danshui, a middle-aged woman suddenly stopped me to fix my dress (apparently the bow on my bodice was lob-sided).
As for the island itself, I think diverse is the best adjective I have to describe it. In four days time, I saw beaches, oceans, mountains, cities, and much more. Amongst my favorite are the hot springs in Beitou with Bonny (at which I got a nasty sunburn), the mountians of Yangmingshan National Park (where I got way too close to a geyser), fisherman's wharf at Danshui, fireflies in Eastern Taiwan, and random escapades with Laura (from which I got a 4GB memory card for $20).
However, like all places, Taiwan does have it's flaws: the biggest being the incessant stares we got. I'm going to assume in the future that I got a lot of stares because I'm just that beautiful but I think they've never seen a girl with pink shorts and sunburned shoulders to match.
Overall though the good far outweighed the bad and I feel that Taiwan is truly a romantic place for the future.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Word of the Day: Eleemosynary
I moved into my new apartment. The nice thing is it is closer to school and the community is very much like old China. The bad thing is, I don't know anyone and my apartment scares me. I feel more alone in it then I've ever felt on my own....perhaps this will improve.
I also don't have internet at home so I'm typing this at school (at an ungodly hour). This means no more pics till I go back to the US :/
On another note, I've taught 18 hours in the last two days (no one should ever teach that much). My voice is almost gone but I hope it is all worth it cause I'm leaving for Shenzhen, Hong Kong, and Taiwan today. I'm excited and I'll write more when I get back
I also don't have internet at home so I'm typing this at school (at an ungodly hour). This means no more pics till I go back to the US :/
On another note, I've taught 18 hours in the last two days (no one should ever teach that much). My voice is almost gone but I hope it is all worth it cause I'm leaving for Shenzhen, Hong Kong, and Taiwan today. I'm excited and I'll write more when I get back
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Happy Valley
The amusement park (like all of China) is defined by it's large crowds but it has a particularly vicious nature. People nonchalantly cut in front of each other and sweat lingers like the acrid smell permeating the air. Though I'm thankful for the experience, I hope to never do it again. The four hour wait for one ride completely dissolved my desire to do much else for awhile...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
What Goes Down Must Come Up?
Things are looking better:
1. James found me a new apartment and I'm gearing to move out Sunday
2. My nasty cough has capitulated James to give me a morning off today "to rest"...and I have to say I needed it.
3. I'm going to Beijing on Saturday with three of my students...to the amusement park...we'll see how that goes.
4. Tomorrow is test day where I give oral exams to my students...all I have to do is ask questions so it will be an easy day...perhaps I can finally rid myself of this cough.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Horrible Day Cont.
OK. So I have been living with my uncle and I found out today that he wants me out of his house by the end of the month. This mainly happened because he and my dad had a falling out but this couldn't have come at a worse time. I scheduled to fly to Shenzhen/Hong Kong next Wednesday so now, I have 8 days to find a new place for one month, pack my stuff, and move. I'm going to go to sleep and pretend this didn't happen.
Dear Students From Hell
I hate that you never cease to ruin my day. You are like a mosquito...predictably bad, constantly annoying, and ugly. I hate teaching you. I hate your blank face and stuttering words. I hate your lack of enthusiasm...your cell-phones texts under the table, and the way you ask innocently to "go to toilet". Go already. I will not hold you back. I hate you so much I won't even fail you because I know I might have you again if you fail.
Perhaps I should punish you for making me feel this way but instead I punish myself. I hold you after class thinking next time you will actually do what I say. I give you homework hoping you might review 1% of what I've taught but still you don't know the difference between advantage and disadvantage.
Today I watched the clock tick slowly as you searched your puny brain for the answer to a simple question:
M- What should you consider when looking for a job?
Y- I don't know...I don't consider job
M- OK, what do you think is more important, work environment or work location?
Y- Huh location?
M- Fine, what is your ideal job?
Y- CEO
M- Why?
Y- CEO...I CEO suit I
No sweetie. You don't. You are only alive because your parents are rich and sends you to this "training school". You have no thought of your own...no opinions, and even trying hurts your brain. Please, just continue eating in my class. I forgive you. I know that eating and sleeping is all you can do.
Perhaps I should punish you for making me feel this way but instead I punish myself. I hold you after class thinking next time you will actually do what I say. I give you homework hoping you might review 1% of what I've taught but still you don't know the difference between advantage and disadvantage.
Today I watched the clock tick slowly as you searched your puny brain for the answer to a simple question:
M- What should you consider when looking for a job?
Y- I don't know...I don't consider job
M- OK, what do you think is more important, work environment or work location?
Y- Huh location?
M- Fine, what is your ideal job?
Y- CEO
M- Why?
Y- CEO...I CEO suit I
No sweetie. You don't. You are only alive because your parents are rich and sends you to this "training school". You have no thought of your own...no opinions, and even trying hurts your brain. Please, just continue eating in my class. I forgive you. I know that eating and sleeping is all you can do.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Qingdao
Today I'm in Qingdao which for me is a mix of SLC, LA, and Tianjin. I really should have stayed home to rest because I'm still battling a cold but in a way, I'm glad to have come...and I'm glad I came alone. I think school was beginning to feel overwhelming and with Brian gone, a sense of sadness eats at my heart. I don't really know why I've been so sad lately. Perhaps it's the depression of a flu or the realization that this must all end soon...but Qingdao relaxes me. The orange and blue workers dotting the streets and the Chinese kites in the air remind me of all the things I love here. White cascading waves hit and lick at my memories of Santa Monica and the warm embrace of Lao Shan remind me of home/family. Soon all this will end and I will again be back to reality but for now, the warm sun and soft sand smooth away the grief and restores my optimism for life.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Midnight Thoughts
As I near the end of my adventures here in China, I can't help but feel a sense of urgency. There is so much I haven't done and still want to do. Yet, I find myself deeply nostalgic about my old life, old friends, and things that I left behind.
Perhaps all this is brought on by my recent illness, yet in the midst of bad health and a horrible work week, I have come to appreciate what I have....good friends, a wonderful family, and a naive sense of security.
A year ago, I don't think I would have been ready for the challenges of grad school or the reality of an unknown future but China has been a magical barrier. It has shielded me from the extremes of a grueling application process and it has comforted me in my deepest time of need. Mostly though, China has allowed me to look at myself from a distance and to find an inner peace for whom I must become. I feel more mature, more independent, and somehow more aware of how the world works.
I will be immensely sorry to take off this cloak of surrealism but peeking at the other side, I feel life won't be so bad. For now though, I'm bless to hide a little longer...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Good Class
There is no better feeling for a teacher then a class that tries and I have such a class this term. they are of all ages and their enthusiasm feeds my own. I find myself spending hours creating games to drive home words they learned and I'm actually happy.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Parents
I read a chapter in Howard Brown's Familiar Faces Hidden Lives about gay men and their parents back in the 1980s. I can't help but wonder if my dad would still love me if I am gay. I think Brown is right in saying that for some family a child's "coming out" is the ultimate test of their family bond. I wonder what my dad would do...
I use to doubt my dad's love for me as most Asian children do. After all, our common subject of conversation is school/success. Hence, many of us grow up fearing failure. I think it makes us meek, unadventurous, and dull. Case in point: 100% of my current students never went to more then 2 cities in China, 65% still live at home with their parents, 5% admits that they aren't sure whether going abroad is the right choice for them, and 50% will probably never survive on their own anyways.
Hence, I'm glad my father was liberal enough to let me go when I pulled the ropes. Some parents wrap their children so tight they suffocate....at least, I have the freedom to move around.
I use to doubt my dad's love for me as most Asian children do. After all, our common subject of conversation is school/success. Hence, many of us grow up fearing failure. I think it makes us meek, unadventurous, and dull. Case in point: 100% of my current students never went to more then 2 cities in China, 65% still live at home with their parents, 5% admits that they aren't sure whether going abroad is the right choice for them, and 50% will probably never survive on their own anyways.
Hence, I'm glad my father was liberal enough to let me go when I pulled the ropes. Some parents wrap their children so tight they suffocate....at least, I have the freedom to move around.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Decisions
So I ended up getting into several MD schools and the U of U's MD/PhD program. Today, I accepted the U of U's offer. I still don't really have the heart to tell USC or Mayo my decisions but I think I'll be happy with this outcome.
Having lived aboard so long, I know the importance of family so I want to be somewhat close to home. I want to see the baby grow, to share in Lilly's senior year, and I think deep down, I'm not a big city girl.
I do have my reservations though. I'm uneasy about the homogenous nature of Utah and my future prospects there (both socially and academically). I fear 8 more years of school and I worry my research might fail.
In making this decision, I have opened up another world of worries...here are a few:
1) Where do I live? Should I return to my parent's home or find a place to call my own?
2) Who do I want to work with? Should I do the same ophthamology research I've been doing for years or should I try to elbow my way into a new field.
3) Will I have any friends? Will any of them be unmarried?
4) Do I need to start preparing for the board exam this year?
5) Why did they not list me as a Utah resident?
6) How will I get back to Utah for the June 1st start date when my contract here ends on May 31st?
7) Can I possibily fulfill the expectations of people around me? Can I even fulfill my own expectations
8) How will I integrate back into American life/being a student?
Having lived aboard so long, I know the importance of family so I want to be somewhat close to home. I want to see the baby grow, to share in Lilly's senior year, and I think deep down, I'm not a big city girl.
I do have my reservations though. I'm uneasy about the homogenous nature of Utah and my future prospects there (both socially and academically). I fear 8 more years of school and I worry my research might fail.
In making this decision, I have opened up another world of worries...here are a few:
1) Where do I live? Should I return to my parent's home or find a place to call my own?
2) Who do I want to work with? Should I do the same ophthamology research I've been doing for years or should I try to elbow my way into a new field.
3) Will I have any friends? Will any of them be unmarried?
4) Do I need to start preparing for the board exam this year?
5) Why did they not list me as a Utah resident?
6) How will I get back to Utah for the June 1st start date when my contract here ends on May 31st?
7) Can I possibily fulfill the expectations of people around me? Can I even fulfill my own expectations
8) How will I integrate back into American life/being a student?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Hair Conditioner
I found out today how to get hair conditioner in China. I can't believe I've lived so many month without it but here's a list of other things I've missed/now have:
1. Cereal...Honey Bunches of Oats (I packed many boxes before I came and I'm almost out)
2. Tampons
3. Mint lip balm
4. Book/Magazines in English
5. YouTube
6. Glide Floss
7. Fettucini Alfredo
8. Nachos
9. Hanes underwear
10. Beaches/Mountains
1. Cereal...Honey Bunches of Oats (I packed many boxes before I came and I'm almost out)
2. Tampons
3. Mint lip balm
4. Book/Magazines in English
5. YouTube
6. Glide Floss
7. Fettucini Alfredo
8. Nachos
9. Hanes underwear
10. Beaches/Mountains
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Birthday
Somehow I always want a nice birthday but I think my expectations are always too high. This year, I tried very hard to expect nothing but still...I found myself crying when friends/family forgot. Sigh...I can be such a baby sometimes.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Things I learned this month
1. There is no difference between a hard sleeper and a soft sleeper...they are both hard
2. Chinese trains have electric plugs for your computer but only on the aisle row.
3. I no longer fear cars when I bike...this is really bad
4. Chinese citizens fear and cheat their own government. Taxi drivers run the meter for friends to get tax deductions. Restaurant owners give free drinks instead of receipts so they don't have to report the service. Yet, it's controlled defiance. to be able to do good and bad is the basis of personal freedom and I think the Chinese government knows this so they give people the illusion they need. Perhaps in cheating the government out of little things, the people feel a sense of guilt and fear...hence there are no greater forms of dissension within the masses. Someday, when I'm old, I will write more on my views.
5. I can easily get fat here and easily get lung cancer.
2. Chinese trains have electric plugs for your computer but only on the aisle row.
3. I no longer fear cars when I bike...this is really bad
4. Chinese citizens fear and cheat their own government. Taxi drivers run the meter for friends to get tax deductions. Restaurant owners give free drinks instead of receipts so they don't have to report the service. Yet, it's controlled defiance. to be able to do good and bad is the basis of personal freedom and I think the Chinese government knows this so they give people the illusion they need. Perhaps in cheating the government out of little things, the people feel a sense of guilt and fear...hence there are no greater forms of dissension within the masses. Someday, when I'm old, I will write more on my views.
5. I can easily get fat here and easily get lung cancer.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Xian
Since I've been back, I've felt a sense of urgency to travel. I realize that I haven't traveled enough so I went to Xian with Paul...or rather...he went with me. Paul is one of the new foreign teachers from Manchester. He has a very heavy accent so sometimes, it is hard for me to understand him but never-the-less, I was pleased to have his company.
I guess I should insert here that we have three new teachers: Paula from Manchester, David from the US, and Taj from Tianjin. They are all relatively young and unattached (by this, I mean not married) so it's nice.
Anyways, Paul and I did the traditional Xian tour...terracotta warriors, goose pagoda, Muslim quarters, and the wall (one of the only remaining city walls). I was surprised by how accurate online information was concerning buses to and from various places. Now that I have more experience planning/traveling, I think I will have to do more in the future.
Above are some pictures and below is a video from the trip....next up Shanghai, Beijing, and hopefully Qingdao/Guilin.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Nostalgia
Nostalgia overwhelms me today as I walk around my neighborhood. The scent of fallen rain fills me with distant memories of puddle-soaked pants and sugar drips down my arm as I lick my red-bean popsicle. Winter is ending and all too soon pink flowers will blossom in the trees but little Chinese girls pick at frozen streaks of snow...prolonging the season a little longer. I wish grandfather was alive to see me...back...here...in his homeland.
Yi Er Shan
The soldiers march left and right
Young boys with eyes so bright
An old women comes running by
Shouting that the soldiers must all die
Boy 1 looks at Boy 2 and 3
No one here is really free
So the old women disappears
Between boys marching in pairs.
Young boys with eyes so bright
An old women comes running by
Shouting that the soldiers must all die
Boy 1 looks at Boy 2 and 3
No one here is really free
So the old women disappears
Between boys marching in pairs.
Walking
Yesterday I saw a man walking home slowly...taking in the scenery as he went. Perhaps he has no one to return to or pehaps, like me, he was avoiding the inevitable meeting of "other people". Either way, for a brief moment I felt myself a part of his individuality and I rejoiced in being both singular and plural at once.
Friday, February 27, 2009
I got in....
I got my first acceptance offer! Here's the email from the Dean:
I wanted to speak with you directly—but the most important thing—I want you to come to Utah. The University of Utah MD/PhD has accepted you. We will send the letter to your home address. We want to be fair to others who would like to come—we want you to make a decision by a certain time (defined in the letter).
Tell me what you need from me so that you will accept the University of Utah’s offer. What are your thoughts? How do you think about where you should go? I am happy to skype with you—or give me a number and I am happy to call you. I want to know how you are thinking about it. I KNOW that you will be part of a a remarkable class..
Finally—if you don’t accept—I am gonna take it out on your wonderful baby sister :)
I wanted to speak with you directly—but the most important thing—I want you to come to Utah. The University of Utah MD/PhD has accepted you. We will send the letter to your home address. We want to be fair to others who would like to come—we want you to make a decision by a certain time (defined in the letter).
Tell me what you need from me so that you will accept the University of Utah’s offer. What are your thoughts? How do you think about where you should go? I am happy to skype with you—or give me a number and I am happy to call you. I want to know how you are thinking about it. I KNOW that you will be part of a a remarkable class..
Finally—if you don’t accept—I am gonna take it out on your wonderful baby sister :)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
America
The US embraced me like a beautiful dream. It was everything I had imagined...coffee/ice cream with friends, Chano's, Catch Phrase, Denny's at midnight, strolls along Wasatch Blvd...Yet, interlaced between the familiar were new cities, new people, and new possibilities...I met the first guy I have ever kissed, I finally got to see Mayo, I learned to ski better, and like I imagined...it all felt surreal. Thank you to my friends who welcomed me (and in many cases hosted me). Thank you America for reminding me what I have. I am glad it was so surreal that I can fool myself into believing it was all a dream...it makes coming back so much easier.
Friday, January 23, 2009
My MD/PhD essay
When I was little, my grandfather would catch dragon flies bigger than my hand. Carefully, he would tie a knot around the abdomen of each one and give the strings to me. Though I was scared, I would stare in awe as each dragonfly took flight only to be hindered by the inevitable length of the string. There was always a contradiction in how I saw these creatures. Though I admired their beauty, an inherent sadness in watching them struggle in vain for freedom somehow diminished their mystique. So one day, I let go. Being a romantic child, I believed that freeing those dragonflies was like freeing myself. Incommunicable to anyone at the time, there were similar strings tethering me and I yearned to be free, too…
My earliest memories were all of my grandparents who raised me till I was six. My grandfather, Ye Ye, was a math teacher before the communist revolution and my grandmother, Nai Nai, was a nurse. Imprisoned for his Catholic beliefs, my grandfather was sent to work in a concentration camp while my grandmother struggled to raise four boys on her own. They never talked much about what happened during the Chinese Cultural Revolution, but I think I felt the consequences of their history. Ever liberal, Ye Ye believed girls are equal to boys so at a time when paths were defined by gender, he dressed me like a boy and sent me to school. Nai Nai did not approve, but I think they both saw a future for me that few would dare dream of at that time.
Thus, much of who I am is owed to my grandparents. The strings that tie me to them, their past, and their wishes are so strong, not even the Pacific Ocean could dissolve our bonds. At age six, when I immigrated to the United States, I brought with me all the lessons I had learned and a deep thirst for knowledge. But, I found that there was much that I did not know: I had never been in cars or seen drinking fountains, I had never owned more than four articles of clothing, and the city lights blinded my senses. For a while, I lost myself in the unfamiliar. I think I struggled with who I was and who I wanted to be while yearning to find a place in my new environment.
I did not have much time to adjust however or to find myself. My parents divorced within a year of my arrival and being an independent child, I did not form strong ties with either of them. Children at my all-white Elementary school use to tease me for my odd behavior; sometimes, I would go for weeks without talking to anyone. I think most students eventually thought I could not speak English. For my part, I never told them that I stayed inside during recess reading biology and math textbooks only because I did not have any friends. Ironically, those missed social interactions probably fostered my love for science and drove me towards research later on. Between the covers of my schoolbooks, I discovered worlds of cellular life and killer organism. I imagined bacteria so small that millions would fit into the palm of my hand and I was fascinated.
The constant in my life then has always been learning. In China as well as in the United States, I excelled at school. So, when my mother went on to remarry and have another child, I submerged myself into my studies. But, many times, a combination of abuse and the need to protect my sister, Lilly, kept me out of school. I remember losing my dreams for higher education. I also remember a sense of helplessness. When Lilly was sick, for instance, or when my mother was gone, I often felt lost and inept. A strong desire to remedy that sense of helplessness later reinforced my desire to pursue a medical education.
Eventually, I did learn a lot from this period of my life. Taking care of Lilly taught me about maturity and it helped me learn how to place the needs of others before my own. Working to care for the family made me grow up and capable of washing, cleaning, and living on my own. Also, because nobody worried about my slipping grades in school, I was able to divert my energies elsewhere. Clandestinely at night I would build paper models of far off places and read borrowed autobiographies about Roosevelt, Florence Nightengale, and other heros. Much of what I learned during that time was through self-discovery; in the process, I found myself capable of working through problems on my own and able to endure.
Finally in sixth grade, my dad and a court-appointed lawyer recognized my family situation and pulled me out of that environment. At age eleven, I was reunited with my father and soon after, I was able to help bring Lilly over too. Though dad made it clear that I did not owe him anything, I felt even at that age that I was indebted to him. This obligation along with a renewed desire to make something of myself pushed me to seek opportunities I never thought I could have. High school was littered with such opportunities and I seized every one from future doctor seminars to art shows. In the midst of these opportunities, I renewed a hope for higher education and a love for the art of medicine.
College, however, brought unique challenges. For the first time, I questioned my own identity, my heritage, my ethics, and my capacity to become a physician. I still loved learning but I found my high school education lacking. Thus, for a time, the academic rigors of college overwhelmed me. I worked long hours just to keep up with my peers but by the end of freshman year, I was overtly unhealthy. I found myself constantly stressing about money, grades, and a desire to fit in. In a way, I felt trapped by my own expectations and those of people around me. Strings held me to a debt I owed my family and in my darkest hour, I remembered those dragonflies and I secretly yearned to be free.
The turning point came when I met Olga Gurvich the summer of my freshmen year of college. Dr. Gurvich was a post doctorate from Russia who worked with me in Dr. Kevin Flanigan’s lab at the University of Utah. She and I had a lot in common. Her parents gave up all their savings to send her to the United States. The difference was that she seemed content. I asked her about this once, about whether she felt the need to support her aging parents still back in Russia. She answered: “Sure, but why worry? I send them the money I can spare, I love what I do, and it is an honor for them to see me happy.”
I did not truly grasp the meaning of her words at that time, but I did make important changes in my life during sophomore and junior year of college. I started having friends outside my major who introduced me to the world of cinema, hip hop, and politics. I laughed often and I set more reasonable expectations for myself. Towards the end of sophomore year, I developed a skill for fulfilling my obligations while still doing the things I loved.
There were certain obligations, however, that I never could escape. Tuition always seemed to cost too much and my sister’s teenage angst kept me on the phone for hours at a time. I eventually found ways around all this. I got jobs that not only put money into my bank accounts but also gave me opportunities to grow academically. My research professor, Dr. Biju Thomas became one of the most amazing mentors and friends I ever had. Similarly, in my third year of college, I followed my passion for teaching and I became a Supplemental Instruction Leader for physics. Thus, my last years of college were integral in solidifying who I am. Crucial among the lessons I learned are those that now contribute to my future plans. In researching, I found that scientific discovery offers hope to medicine but it is medicine that gives research purpose. I portend a future that depends on the successful co-collaboration of both so now, I hope to further my contributions by getting an MD/PhD.
Amongst the other lessons I learned is that I no longer yearn to cut the strings tethering me to others. I think I found my own form of freedom grounded in such ties. Obligations are ever present, but I am thankful for the wonderful family I have. Like the dragonflies from my childhood, I am connected by strings but to my family, my friends, and the rest of humanity. Unlike the dragonflies however, I have learned that such ties are good if not necessary for me. The greatest empathy I had was that the strings which tie us make us stronger. With each new knot, we fly higher, we become more secure, and someday when we die, we can live on in the lives of others because we tied similar knots in their lives. As I move into medical school and hopefully graduate school, I look forward to making more ties and cultivating the ones I already have.
My earliest memories were all of my grandparents who raised me till I was six. My grandfather, Ye Ye, was a math teacher before the communist revolution and my grandmother, Nai Nai, was a nurse. Imprisoned for his Catholic beliefs, my grandfather was sent to work in a concentration camp while my grandmother struggled to raise four boys on her own. They never talked much about what happened during the Chinese Cultural Revolution, but I think I felt the consequences of their history. Ever liberal, Ye Ye believed girls are equal to boys so at a time when paths were defined by gender, he dressed me like a boy and sent me to school. Nai Nai did not approve, but I think they both saw a future for me that few would dare dream of at that time.
Thus, much of who I am is owed to my grandparents. The strings that tie me to them, their past, and their wishes are so strong, not even the Pacific Ocean could dissolve our bonds. At age six, when I immigrated to the United States, I brought with me all the lessons I had learned and a deep thirst for knowledge. But, I found that there was much that I did not know: I had never been in cars or seen drinking fountains, I had never owned more than four articles of clothing, and the city lights blinded my senses. For a while, I lost myself in the unfamiliar. I think I struggled with who I was and who I wanted to be while yearning to find a place in my new environment.
I did not have much time to adjust however or to find myself. My parents divorced within a year of my arrival and being an independent child, I did not form strong ties with either of them. Children at my all-white Elementary school use to tease me for my odd behavior; sometimes, I would go for weeks without talking to anyone. I think most students eventually thought I could not speak English. For my part, I never told them that I stayed inside during recess reading biology and math textbooks only because I did not have any friends. Ironically, those missed social interactions probably fostered my love for science and drove me towards research later on. Between the covers of my schoolbooks, I discovered worlds of cellular life and killer organism. I imagined bacteria so small that millions would fit into the palm of my hand and I was fascinated.
The constant in my life then has always been learning. In China as well as in the United States, I excelled at school. So, when my mother went on to remarry and have another child, I submerged myself into my studies. But, many times, a combination of abuse and the need to protect my sister, Lilly, kept me out of school. I remember losing my dreams for higher education. I also remember a sense of helplessness. When Lilly was sick, for instance, or when my mother was gone, I often felt lost and inept. A strong desire to remedy that sense of helplessness later reinforced my desire to pursue a medical education.
Eventually, I did learn a lot from this period of my life. Taking care of Lilly taught me about maturity and it helped me learn how to place the needs of others before my own. Working to care for the family made me grow up and capable of washing, cleaning, and living on my own. Also, because nobody worried about my slipping grades in school, I was able to divert my energies elsewhere. Clandestinely at night I would build paper models of far off places and read borrowed autobiographies about Roosevelt, Florence Nightengale, and other heros. Much of what I learned during that time was through self-discovery; in the process, I found myself capable of working through problems on my own and able to endure.
Finally in sixth grade, my dad and a court-appointed lawyer recognized my family situation and pulled me out of that environment. At age eleven, I was reunited with my father and soon after, I was able to help bring Lilly over too. Though dad made it clear that I did not owe him anything, I felt even at that age that I was indebted to him. This obligation along with a renewed desire to make something of myself pushed me to seek opportunities I never thought I could have. High school was littered with such opportunities and I seized every one from future doctor seminars to art shows. In the midst of these opportunities, I renewed a hope for higher education and a love for the art of medicine.
College, however, brought unique challenges. For the first time, I questioned my own identity, my heritage, my ethics, and my capacity to become a physician. I still loved learning but I found my high school education lacking. Thus, for a time, the academic rigors of college overwhelmed me. I worked long hours just to keep up with my peers but by the end of freshman year, I was overtly unhealthy. I found myself constantly stressing about money, grades, and a desire to fit in. In a way, I felt trapped by my own expectations and those of people around me. Strings held me to a debt I owed my family and in my darkest hour, I remembered those dragonflies and I secretly yearned to be free.
The turning point came when I met Olga Gurvich the summer of my freshmen year of college. Dr. Gurvich was a post doctorate from Russia who worked with me in Dr. Kevin Flanigan’s lab at the University of Utah. She and I had a lot in common. Her parents gave up all their savings to send her to the United States. The difference was that she seemed content. I asked her about this once, about whether she felt the need to support her aging parents still back in Russia. She answered: “Sure, but why worry? I send them the money I can spare, I love what I do, and it is an honor for them to see me happy.”
I did not truly grasp the meaning of her words at that time, but I did make important changes in my life during sophomore and junior year of college. I started having friends outside my major who introduced me to the world of cinema, hip hop, and politics. I laughed often and I set more reasonable expectations for myself. Towards the end of sophomore year, I developed a skill for fulfilling my obligations while still doing the things I loved.
There were certain obligations, however, that I never could escape. Tuition always seemed to cost too much and my sister’s teenage angst kept me on the phone for hours at a time. I eventually found ways around all this. I got jobs that not only put money into my bank accounts but also gave me opportunities to grow academically. My research professor, Dr. Biju Thomas became one of the most amazing mentors and friends I ever had. Similarly, in my third year of college, I followed my passion for teaching and I became a Supplemental Instruction Leader for physics. Thus, my last years of college were integral in solidifying who I am. Crucial among the lessons I learned are those that now contribute to my future plans. In researching, I found that scientific discovery offers hope to medicine but it is medicine that gives research purpose. I portend a future that depends on the successful co-collaboration of both so now, I hope to further my contributions by getting an MD/PhD.
Amongst the other lessons I learned is that I no longer yearn to cut the strings tethering me to others. I think I found my own form of freedom grounded in such ties. Obligations are ever present, but I am thankful for the wonderful family I have. Like the dragonflies from my childhood, I am connected by strings but to my family, my friends, and the rest of humanity. Unlike the dragonflies however, I have learned that such ties are good if not necessary for me. The greatest empathy I had was that the strings which tie us make us stronger. With each new knot, we fly higher, we become more secure, and someday when we die, we can live on in the lives of others because we tied similar knots in their lives. As I move into medical school and hopefully graduate school, I look forward to making more ties and cultivating the ones I already have.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Growing Closer
What I learned from my time with Laura is that we are different people now. She isn't the sheltered roommate of my past and I'm not the scared Freshmen of hers'. Instead, as most people grow apart, we grew closer.I shared with Laura all the things that had befallen me freshmen year and in turn she talked about her family. Back in college, I felt Laura was always judging me and she seemed to always be the better person, better student, and better daughter so we talked very little. But, it's funny how time and China changes things. I think this time, I went in wanting to trust/learn from her and we only had each other so we grew closer. I'm excited to visit her in Hong Kong in May.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
There are night here when I lay awake just listening to my heart-beat; that fragile instrument of life, so synchronously persistent among a pressurized backdrop. The way my body moves, they way it cries out, and even the way I ignore it at time sing magnificently to the world that I am here, alive, living.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Guilt be gone?
I was elated to have gone to Harbin and more elated to tell my father whom I Skype daily. however, I was a bit surprised and saddened by his response. Apparently, as a schoolboy, he had passes Harbin many times by train but he never got off to see it. He had dreamt of going someday when he had more money but it seems he now must live vicariously through me.I think more then ever, I understand what my family has sacrificed for me and more then ever, I feel a sense of guilt.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Chinese New Year
I had planed to use Chinese New Year to travel and see other parts of China but duty calls...I'm both thankful and upset that I got so many medical school interviews....one one hand, it is nice that three years of slaving away has paid off, but it sucks that I must go so soon. Well, I guess I don't even have time to wollow in self-pity because there are too many things to do...planes to book...presents to buy...people to email...professors to thank...
Friday, January 2, 2009
Update
I met my friend Laura in Chengdu last weekend and we had a lovely time at Le Shan/ with the pandas. Now, she is back here with me and we'll be off to Harbin next week. I'm both excited and super tired. It is hard to be a traveler sometimes! Here are some photos.
Grateful
For the many times I've wished I were White, there are even more times where I have been grateful for my background. Speaking Chinese has allowed me into the sub-culture of Chinese citizens and for this, I'll be forever grateful. Yet, even I can not dive fully into this world. The more I learn, the more I am discovering a line that separates me from being Chinese. I feel 12 again; struggling to fit in and realizing more and more that I can't but we the second-generation Americans, we the mix bloods, and we the seekers find solace in knowing the ability to transcend cultures is far better then our need to belong.
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