Hiding

I haven't decided what to tell students when they ask about my birthplace, age, or Chinese skills. However, this was decided for me today. While introducing me to his class (which I'm currently observing), my boss told students I'm 24, born in the US, and speak no Chinese. I'm not sure yet how I feel about all this. I understand it's to protect me and my job...yet, I can't help but feel saddened. Perhaps change is about making sacrifices and I must sacrifice a part of my identity to change the bigotry here...

First Day

Today was my first day of training which really entails following other teachers around until I get the gist of things. I went into the office full of trepidation and having no desk, I sat alone on the couch hating myself for being early. No foreign staff was present and the Chinese staff hardly noticed my presence. Then, suddenly, a young Chinese teacher named Christina came over. She introduced herself and hoping to make a friend, I eagerly told her about myself. She then asked if I could speak Mandarin. I replied that I could speak a little at which point she asked me to demonstrate. I did but, thankfully, it was only one sentence because later, I found out she thought I shouldn’t be a foreign teacher. Apparently, my Chinese is “too good” and she thinks no one will accept me as a “foreign teacher”. Sigh.

On Racism

I’m not stupid. More then anyone, I anticipated the racism I’d face in china but it doesn’t make it easy. On the first day of school when my boss introduced me as the new ‘foreign teacher”, I witnessed critical eyes from the Chinese staff/ There were no smiles or welcoming gestures/ No questions about where I come from or who I am. Rather, a tentative “hi’ was followed by silence. In that silence I felt the divide between myself and my homeland.For the first time I wished I were white in the fullest sense of the word. Little did I know that I’d feel this way many times in the coming weeks…

The Past and The Future

I went to the cemetery today. It was far away from Tianjin (about 2 hours drive) and really, it looked to be in the middle of nowhere. Wild chickens ran amok and dust collect on graves untended. My dad, my uncles, and my grandmother led me to my grandfather’s burial site and immediately, I was filled with grief. If he were alive, he would have been so happy to see us gathered together once again but he is not. We kowtowed to him and the other members of my family while my grandmother said a prayer. It was sad and I was desperate to forget but we cannot forget our past. My uncle cried so hard, blood sprouted from his nose. I thought it was somehow poetic that a red pool collected beneath my grandfather’s headstone. In china, red means love, it means good luck and good fortune. These are the thing my grandfather would have wished upon us and it was one more thing that brought tears to my eyes.

Later in the day, we traveled to my relative’s house. I met my grandfather’s younger brother, his wife, their son, and their granddaughter. The little girl is 8 years old and in third grade. She was really sweet. Because education is so important in china, I asked her about her schoolwork. Already, she is learning to read and write English but she doesn’t like English. She tells me that countless times, she’s cried because her schoolwork is too hard yet her parents always stress that she study. I understand her plight. To china, the young is the future and too many parents here live vicariously through their children. The sense of failure is too much for some children to bear and I felt of sense of pity for this cousin of mine.

A Long Day of Eating

I went to the seaside to eat seafood with my dad and some friends of his. I had two whole crabs and the restaurant was pretty impressive. As you enter, you are bombarded with live sea creatures of all shorts. There were three gigantic turtles bigger then my head and much more….I didn’t even know there were so many different kinds of crabs.

After lunch, we went to a flea market and it was so busy. People were everywhere and you could find just about anything. It was pretty neat but I did not buy anything (I can’t bargain and stuff at flea markets might be rip-offs).

For dinner, I ate with my family. My uncle took us to some fancy restaurant that cost more then 2,000 yuan per meal. It was Japanese I think but very well-constructed. As you enter, greeters are at the door to take you up an elevator. Then you enter a long hallway with velvet on the sides and statues of horse heads. When you come to your previously reserved room, the greeter lets you in and helps you sit. The room is impressive. A giant painting spans the ceiling and mirrors create a panoramic view. Besides the dinning table, you have a couch, a coat hanger, a side-table for the waiters, and a private bathroom. Lol.

For dinner, we had tons of food I’ve never had before. I sampled four different types of drinks and the waiters even recited a poem for us (of which I understood nothing). It was quite an experience.

Arrival

It was a dark Wednesday evening when I arrived in China. Immediately, I was amazed by the sprawling lights and the towering buildings. It has been more then five years since Ive seen the city and a lot has changed. The hectic Beijing airport of the past have been replaced by white tiled floors and a million little lights span the ceiling like stars in the night sky.

Gone are the beggars lining the streets as you exit the airport. Instead, hustlers vie for your attention. As I travel by car to the city of Tianjin, I feel a sense of urgency. I want to become familiar with this place again…to find a sense of security. I realize like all human beings, I like being comfortable and I’m definitely not comfortable….yet.