Qingdao

Today I'm in Qingdao which for me is a mix of SLC, LA, and Tianjin. I really should have stayed home to rest because I'm still battling a cold but in a way, I'm glad to have come...and I'm glad I came alone. I think school was beginning to feel overwhelming and with Brian gone, a sense of sadness eats at my heart. I don't really know why I've been so sad lately. Perhaps it's the depression of a flu or the realization that this must all end soon...but Qingdao relaxes me. The orange and blue workers dotting the streets and the Chinese kites in the air remind me of all the things I love here. White cascading waves hit and lick at my memories of Santa Monica and the warm embrace of Lao Shan remind me of home/family. Soon all this will end and I will again be back to reality but for now, the warm sun and soft sand smooth away the grief and restores my optimism for life.

Midnight Thoughts

As I near the end of my adventures here in China, I can't help but feel a sense of urgency. There is so much I haven't done and still want to do. Yet, I find myself deeply nostalgic about my old life, old friends, and things that I left behind.

Perhaps all this is brought on by my recent illness, yet in the midst of bad health and a horrible work week, I have come to appreciate what I have....good friends, a wonderful family, and a naive sense of security.

A year ago, I don't think I would have been ready for the challenges of grad school or the reality of an unknown future but China has been a magical barrier. It has shielded me from the extremes of a grueling application process and it has comforted me in my deepest time of need. Mostly though, China has allowed me to look at myself from a distance and to find an inner peace for whom I must become. I feel more mature, more independent, and somehow more aware of how the world works.

I will be immensely sorry to take off this cloak of surrealism but peeking at the other side, I feel life won't be so bad. For now though, I'm bless to hide a little longer...

Good Class

There is no better feeling for a teacher then a class that tries and I have such a class this term. they are of all ages and their enthusiasm feeds my own. I find myself spending hours creating games to drive home words they learned and I'm actually happy.

Parents

I read a chapter in Howard Brown's Familiar Faces Hidden Lives about gay men and their parents back in the 1980s. I can't help but wonder if my dad would still love me if I am gay. I think Brown is right in saying that for some family a child's "coming out" is the ultimate test of their family bond. I wonder what my dad would do...

I use to doubt my dad's love for me as most Asian children do. After all, our common subject of conversation is school/success. Hence, many of us grow up fearing failure. I think it makes us meek, unadventurous, and dull. Case in point: 100% of my current students never went to more then 2 cities in China, 65% still live at home with their parents, 5% admits that they aren't sure whether going abroad is the right choice for them, and 50% will probably never survive on their own anyways.

Hence, I'm glad my father was liberal enough to let me go when I pulled the ropes. Some parents wrap their children so tight they suffocate....at least, I have the freedom to move around.

Decisions

So I ended up getting into several MD schools and the U of U's MD/PhD program. Today, I accepted the U of U's offer. I still don't really have the heart to tell USC or Mayo my decisions but I think I'll be happy with this outcome.

Having lived aboard so long, I know the importance of family so I want to be somewhat close to home. I want to see the baby grow, to share in Lilly's senior year, and I think deep down, I'm not a big city girl.

I do have my reservations though. I'm uneasy about the homogenous nature of Utah and my future prospects there (both socially and academically). I fear 8 more years of school and I worry my research might fail.

In making this decision, I have opened up another world of worries...here are a few:

1) Where do I live? Should I return to my parent's home or find a place to call my own?
2) Who do I want to work with? Should I do the same ophthamology research I've been doing for years or should I try to elbow my way into a new field.
3) Will I have any friends? Will any of them be unmarried?
4) Do I need to start preparing for the board exam this year?
5) Why did they not list me as a Utah resident?
6) How will I get back to Utah for the June 1st start date when my contract here ends on May 31st?
7) Can I possibily fulfill the expectations of people around me? Can I even fulfill my own expectations
8) How will I integrate back into American life/being a student?

Hair Conditioner

I found out today how to get hair conditioner in China. I can't believe I've lived so many month without it but here's a list of other things I've missed/now have:

1. Cereal...Honey Bunches of Oats (I packed many boxes before I came and I'm almost out)
2. Tampons
3. Mint lip balm
4. Book/Magazines in English
5. YouTube
6. Glide Floss
7. Fettucini Alfredo
8. Nachos
9. Hanes underwear
10. Beaches/Mountains

Birthday

Somehow I always want a nice birthday but I think my expectations are always too high. This year, I tried very hard to expect nothing but still...I found myself crying when friends/family forgot. Sigh...I can be such a baby sometimes.